for dads - help and advice
Being a father is an awesome thing my life took on a wonderful new dimension when my children came into my life. I remember the arrival of my first son. I stood there just staring at him. Overwhelmed and overjoyed at this gift God had brought into my life. I laughed, I cried, and then laughed and cried some more. I’m sure you know the feeling ....more
Why bother reading YET ANOTHER study, grinding out the insignificant details of why we have YET ANOTHER social problem?
ALL problems in our society really only come from ONE problem.
The trouble in our past, present and future can be explained in one simple sentence...
Failing fathers create challenging and troubled children!
I'll prove it ....more
"The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad! " -- Anonymous
"Our earth is degenerate in these latter days; bribery and corruption are common; children no longer obey their parents; and the end of the world is evidently approaching." -- Assyrian clay tablet 2800 B.C
"The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears." -- Francis Bacon, Sr.
"A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. " -- Enid Bagnold ....more
Welcome to the home stretch! The last three months are said to be the longest, and trust me that’s how it’s going to feel. Why, you may ask? ....more
Dads - we get one shot at this - by Tim Stone
Being a father is an awesome thing.
My life took on a wonderful new dimension when my children came into my life. I remember the arrival of my first son. I stood there just staring at him. Overwhelmed and overjoyed at this gift God had brought into my life. I laughed, I cried, and then laughed and cried some more. I’m sure you know the feeling.
It wasn’t too long after his entrance into my world that I was hit with the reality that I was now a Dad. A father, who now has an enormous responsibility on his hands. I was in charge of raising up a young man. I was going to have to teach him, nurture him, lead him, train him, provide for him, be an example to him, be a reflection of Christ to him, etc. It makes my knees shake just thinking about it. Then, along comes son number 2 and the responsibilities increase.
As a man, you’re hit with all kinds of thoughts. The predominant one though that screams at you the loudest is “Can I do this?” “Can I do this without making a royal mess of it all?” Some men cower at those voices and bolt. Some remain in the home but check out in their heart and are just as absentee as the one’s who bolted. It’s a tragedy when that happens and its an epidemic in our culture today. Then there are those who give it a shot and take off like the little engine that could…. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can,” only to find themselves sliding backwards down the hill realizing that can’t do this.
The truth is we can’t do this alone. Left to handle this huge responsibility by ourselves we will surely fail. Siring a child takes little know how and little effort, but being a father, or better yet a daddy, will take everything you’ve got and then some. The sooner you realize that you can not handle this “daddy” role on your own, the better.
But there is hope! Help is available. Our Heavenly Father is ready and willing to help us succeed at becoming the greatest father we can possibly be. With His help, we can do this. We can be the kind of daddy our children need. When we don’t have a clue, His wisdom will guide us. When fear grips us, His peace will overshadow us. When we’re at our whit’s end, His strength will help us to carry on.
Ok, I know that sounds a little religious and all, but it’s true. God, The Father, wants to help us along on this “fathering journey.” He wants to father us, so we can in turn father our children. So many men have been fathered poorly and as a result, have no idea how to be a father. They are out there flying by the seat of their pants and trying to learn as they go. I think the stakes are much to high to take that kind of approach. We get only one shot at this fathering gig. Sure, we may have several children, but only one shot with each of them. There are no mulligans or do overs.
Having a close intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father is so vital for us all. Now, don’t shut me down. I know we men don’t like that whole intimate thing, but again, I’m telling you it’s vital. If we do not allow ourselves to be fathered by God, we will fall well short in our efforts as dads. God is a perfect and loving Father and is our ultimate example of what a father is like. He longs for us to truly know Him. Not just know about Him.
As we begin to spend time with Him, He’ll begin to reveal Himself to us. We’ll start to become acquainted with His character and His personality. Inch by inch the veil comes off and we begin to see Him and know Him. As that happens, the natural byproduct of that, is we start to slowly become more like Him. When people asked Jesus to show them the Father, He would reply with something like, “Once you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father. The Father and I are one.” He was a perfect reflection of our Heavenly Father. We may not be a perfect reflection of Him, but if we’ll spend time with Him we will be a better reflection of Him tomorrow than we are today.
Allow God to father you. Allow Him to go deep with you. He knows you better than anyone. He sees the wounds that we as men so often hide and never come to terms with. He longs to heal those secret places in our hearts. He knows why we feel frustrated or stressed out and wants to guide us to victory in those areas. He sees the cracks in our character and wants to help us seal up those cracks. He wants to help us become the greatest Dad we can possibly be by helping to complete us. Open up and let Him do it.
The secret to becoming a real Dad - by Larry Bilotta
Why bother reading YET ANOTHER study, grinding out the insignificant details of why we have YET ANOTHER social problem?
ALL problems in our society really only come from ONE problem.
The trouble in our past, present and future can be explained in one simple sentence...
Failing fathers create challenging and troubled children!
I'll prove it...
Let me take you on a brief tour of the history of 'failing fathers' so you can see what kind of children they've produced.
Let's start with Saddam Hussein...
When Saddam's father left the family, it was up to his mother to raise him. When she could not, he was given over to his uncle Khairallah Tulfah, an army officer and Arab nationalist.
A deep bond between Saddam and Khairallah developed.
When Saddam was still a boy, Khairallah was expelled from the army and sent to prison for 5 years because of his public sympathy for Adolf Hitler and the Nazi belief system.
With Khairallah away at prison, young Saddam was sent back to live with his mother who had remarried a poor and reportedly lazy man named Hassan Al-Ibrahim.
Saddam's step father found him to be nothing but an inconvenience. When he was not neglecting Saddam, Hassan Al-Ibrahim would repeatedly abuse him.
And what kind of adult did Saddam grow up to be?
I don't think I even need to answer that.
Let's move on to Adolph Hitler...
Adolph's father was more than strict. Adolph's older brother ran away from home to avoid the violent beatings from his father. Adolph's father then shifted his attention to Adolph who then received daily beatings from his father.
What about Joseph Stalin?
Joseph Stalin's father was frequently drunk and often inflicted brutal blows on young Joseph.
Stalin's years of cruel treatment from his father developed a vindictive attitude that created his desire for revenge against any figure of authority.
Now let's look at the children of FAITHFUL fathers...
George Washington's memory of his father instilled a work ethic and integrity into George at an early age. Even though his father didn't live to see George's twelfth birthday, he fully imprinted his POSITIVE values on George during his most impressionable years.
Martin Luther King Jr. had one particular childhood memory etched into his mind regarding his father. He recalled his father taking him to Atlanta's segregated downtown to buy shoes.
When the clerk insisted that both father and son move to the back of the store to be waited on, Martin Jr. watched his father speak firmly to the clerk saying, "We'll either buy shoes sitting here or we won't buy shoes at all."
Martin Senior took Jr.'s hand and confidently walked out of the store.
The LAST example...
Football coaching legend Vince Lombardi is quoted endlessly. His father, Harry Lombardi, regaled his children with philosophies about freedom and responsibility. He consistently lectured them on his triangle of success: sense of duty, respect for authority and strong mental discipline.
So there you have it.
Saddam Hussein, Joseph Stalin and Adolph Hitler are children of FAILING fathers. George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr. and Vince Lombardi are children of FAITHFUL fathers.
Which did YOU have? A FAILING father or a FAITHFUL father?
To find out, give your father a "Real Dad Score".
The following definition sets the standard for what a TRUE father must be in order to produce a positive and productive child.
The first thing you need to do is scan your memories during the first ten years of your life. Throughout those years, rate your father according to the following definition on a scale of 1-100%, (With 100 being the highest rating)
REAL DAD DEFINITION: My dad was consistently tough but fair. He took a genuine interest in the challenges, opportunities and joys of each of his unique children.
Look back at your childhood years with your father.
If your father's score is in the 90's, chances are, you're already successful. If you rated your father in the 80's, you're leading a content life with very few struggles.
The 70's mean you may have some issues, but they're not anything you can't work around. Read Dad scores in the 60's indicate the beginning of life troubles.
Real Dad scores in the 50's and below create a troublesome life unless you deliberately rebel against the way you were raised.
When your Real Dad score drops below the 50's, the effects can be seen in your career, marriage, social life and the lives of your OWN children as well.
You've heard the slogan, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree", but now you can see how it applies to real life.
And that's the profound truth.
Fathers create the quality of "apple" (son/daughter) and with few exceptions, apples remain where they fall.
If you have troubles today, it's NOT your fault, but it IS your responsibility to take control of them. Should you place blame on your father and be angry that he saddled you with these problems?
Of course not.
What your father did or didn't do DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.
It's HISTORY. There's nothing you can do to change your past.
Since your father can't repair the damage he did, placing blame on him only gives you temporary emotional relief, but that will quickly wear off leaving you back to square 1 - STUCK with your emotional pain once again.
Bottom line?
Don't blame your dad for what he did back in your childhood. He did what he did based on what HE KNEW at the time. (What he learned from HIS father.)
This is the reason why generations of successful families produce generations of successful adults as seen in the Rockefellers.
It also explains why there are "crime families".
If you didn't have a Real Dad yourself, you can STILL change the course of history for YOUR CHILDREN.
Start by focusing on following the "Real Dad" definition and applying it to every situation with your children.
Repeat the definition to yourself during those times when your children challenge you and test your patience. You must resist the urge to give in to your negative feelings that tell you otherwise.
YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU TO SUCCEED. They NEED a FAITHFUL father.
Now that you have a clear target or goal that you can strive to achieve, focus on the Real Dad definition.
It will keep you going in the right direction and ensure that you raise a confident and successful child who will contribute to our nation's future.
And lastly, if you're a woman reading this thinking it doesn't apply to you...THINK AGAIN.
YOUR JOB is to spread the word to the men you know about what a Real Dad is and why it's so important to become one.
By doing this, we'll be able to stop this vicious cycle of troubled fathers creating troubled children once and for all.
Top 50 Father Quotations - by Danielle Hollister
"The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad! "
-- Anonymous
"Our earth is degenerate in these latter days; bribery and corruption are common; children no longer obey their parents; and the end of the world is evidently approaching."
-- Assyrian clay tablet 2800 B.C.
"The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears."
-- Francis Bacon, Sr.
"A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. "
-- Enid Bagnold
"We never know the love of our parents for us till we have become parents."
-- Henry Ward Beecher
"I have always looked at life as a voyage, mostly wonderful, sometimes frightening. In my family and friends I have discovered treasure more valuable than gold."
-- Jimmy Buffet
"The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them. "
-- Confucius
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope."
-- Bill Cosby
"You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together. "
-- Erika Cosby
"Be kind to thy father, for when thou were young, who loved thee so fondly as he? He caught the first accents that fell from thy tongue, and joined in thy innocent glee. "
-- Margaret Courtney
"Role modeling is the most basic responsibility of parents. Parents are handing life's scripts to their children, scripts that in all likelihood will be acted out for the rest of the children's lives."
-- Stephen R. Covey
"What a dreadful thing it must be to have a dull father. "
-- Mary Mapes Dodge
"To her the name of father was another name for love. "
-- Fanny Fern
"Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach."
-- Arnold Glasow
"When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, 'She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge. "
-- Helen Hayes
"To be a successful father...there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. "
-- Ernest Hemingway
"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other."
-- Burton Hillis
"I am not caused by my history--my parents, my childhood and development. These are mirrors in which I may catch glimpses of my image."
-- James Hillman
"There are fathers who do not love their children; there is no grandfather who does not adore his grandson. "
-- Victor Hugo
"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was."
-- Irish Proverb
"Any woodsman can tell you that in a broken and sundered nest, one can hardly find more than a precious few whole eggs. So it is with the family."
-- Thomas Jefferson
"My dear father; my dear friend; the best and wisest man I ever knew, who taught me many lessons and showed me many things as we went together along the country by-ways."
-- Sarah Orne Jewett
"When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry. "
-- Jewish Proverb
"The longer we live the more we think and the higher the value we put on friendship and tenderness towards parents and friends."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He was all questions. But small boys expect their fathers to be walking lexicons, to do two jobs at once, to give replies as they are working, whether laying stones or building models...digging up a shrub, or planting flower beds...Boys have a right to ask their fathers questions...Fathers are the powers that be, and with their power and might must shelter, guard, and hold and teach and love...All men with sons must learn to do these things...Too soon, too soon, a small son grows and leaves his father's side to test his manhood's wings. "
--Roy Z. Kemp
"My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass." "We're not raising grass," my dad would reply, "we're raising boys."--Harmon Killebrew
"Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the weak blame parents, their race, their times, lack of good fortune, or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within his power to say, "This I am today; that I will be tomorrow."
-- Louis L'Amour
"A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father."
-- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
"The love of a father is one of nature's greatest masterpieces."
"The merry family gatherings-- The old, the very young The strangely lovely way they Harmonize in carols sung. For Christmas is tradition time-- Traditions that recall The precious memories down the years, The sameness of them all."
-- Helen Lowrie Marshall
"The thing to remember about fathers is, they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon--seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock--full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat - like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle I it took such months to get. "
-- Phyllis Mcginley
"Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush; anxious for greater developments and greater wishes and so on; so that children have very little time for their parents; Parents have very little time for each other; and the home begins the disruption of the peace of the world."
-- Mother Teresa
"It is much easier to become a father than to be one."
-- Kent Nerburn (Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man)
"As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live."
-- Pope John Paul II
"He who is taught to live upon little owes more to his father's wisdom than he who has a great deal left him does to his father's care. "
-- William Penn
"The fundamental defect with fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them. "
-- Bertrand Russell
"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught them."
-- Jonas Salk
"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible--the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family."
-- Virginia Satir
"I've been very blessed. My parents always told me I could be anything I wanted. When you grow up in a household like that, you learn to believe in yourself."
-- Rick Schroeder
"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was. "
-- Anne Sexton
"It is a wise father that knows his own child."
-- William Shakespeare
"My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately "
-- George Bernard Shaw
"It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping."
-- John Sinor
"The family--that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to."
-- Dodie Smith
"All the feeling which my father could not put into words was in his hand--any dog, child or horse would recognize the kindness of it."
-- Freya Stark
"It's clear that most American children suffer too much mother and too little father."
-- Gloria Steinem
"Children learn to smile from their parents."
-- Shinichi Suzuki
"Cultivate your own capabilities, your own style. Appreciate the members of your family for who they are, even though their outlook or style may be miles different from yours. Rabbits don't fly. Eagles don't swim. Ducks look funny trying to climb. Squirrels don't have feathers. Stop comparing. There's plenty of room in the forest."
-- Chuck Swindoll
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. "
-- Mark Twain
Helpful Hubby - part 3 The third trimester - by Grant Carroll
Welcome to the home stretch! The last three months are said to be the longest, and trust me that’s how it’s going to feel. Why, you may ask? Well, I want you to look down at your stomach and imagine having 20-30 pounds of extra weight around your midsection and body. No, a beer gut doesn’t count. I’m talking about having placenta, amniotic fluid, water retention and a 7-9 pound baby using your bladder as a pillow. Now you can imagine why it’s so uncomfortable. By the way, it’s not uncommon for us guys to have some weight gain along with our wives.
I use the word “some” loosely because I had quite a few pounds added on myself. Don’t feel bad, apparently we have the same ratio of hormones as the women, although it’s obviously a smaller amount it’s still enough to help us gain our own “baby” weight. Nikki thought it was pretty cute. At least one of us did. Well, just get ready for a few trips to Helplessville. You remember that place from the first trimester. Seriously, though, I’m convinced nature has a way of proving that women are tougher than men.
Don’t spend too much time in Helplessville, though, because there are a few things you can do to help (at least a little)
•Keep up the massaging – Don’t rub her ankles! It causes uterine contractions. Her swollen feet could use a good rub, though. Also, back massages may not feel so good anymore. If she does still want backrubs, massage in a top to bottom direction to prevent gas pain.
•Keep her hydrated and cool – All that extra heat can be even more uncomfortable if she overheats. Nikki would overheat after just 5 minutes in the shower. I tried to keep cool drinking water as much as possible. Also, invest in AC or open the windows, depending on the season.
Also, it’s time to start making certain preparations for the delivery. It may feel premature, but you’ll be glad you did.
•Get a bag ready and set aside with a bathrobe and overnight clothes for both of you.
•Get another bag with snacks and games – I didn’t realize this before but labor can take a long time! This is especially true if it’s your 1st baby. In our case it was 26 hours before Cadyn (our son) arrived. Nikki, her mom and I played a great deal of cards during the slow period.
As a helpful hubby, take part in the preparations or even take charge of them. Your wife needs to focus on what’s ahead.
This brings me to my final big point, and this goes for both of you. Enjoy your sleep! I mean it, take naps whenever you can, preferably together for cuddling purposes. Once baby shows up, sleep is scarce and you will probably feel like a zombie.
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